


Tightrope

by ninjamming



Category: Coronation Street
Genre: F/F, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 07:59:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13783194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ninjamming/pseuds/ninjamming
Summary: A few months into her relationship with Kate, Rana wonders why she even likes her.





	Tightrope

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who had no sleep and wrote all this instead in a slightly manic haze? Whoops... It was therapeutic at least.

Sometimes - even now, months into their relationship - Rana wondered what she saw in Kate.

The reason she wondered this wasn't because of a lack of things to see. In fact, there was plenty, especially on the physical side. She knew objectively (even before she registered her attraction to Kate as sexual) that Kate was beautiful. That had never been in doubt for her. Nonetheless, Rana felt she could have filled a few pages just talking about the shape of Kate's face or the colour of her eyes. Abs, biceps, strong thighs. Even stupid things like the way her coat hung off her frame and the few tendrils of hair escaping from her ponytail.

Rana had never been much of a poet or romantic, and it felt shallow to be so attracted to such superficial things. But hey, a girl has needs, and Rana was entitled to her shallow moments - where Kate's appearance was concerned, she was doing laps in a baby pool half the time.

So being attracted to Kate physically just made _sense_. Who wouldn't be? Sophie certainly had been back in the day. As much as she had hated the Webster girl for so easily filling the slot Rana wished to fill in Kate's life, she couldn't blame her one bit. Without Zeedan in the way she might have been chomping at the bit to be Kate's girlfriend too.

Outside of the physical though, Rana often wondered what it was that drew her attention to Kate in the first place. Why her and not Sophie, or any other woman on the street? Why not any of the lesbian or bisexual friends she'd had back in university? Why was Kate the first?

She had various theories, mostly regarding Kate's kind heart and the care she gave to people she loved. But in dark times she wondered if it was the chase that drew Rana in. Rana was used to people falling for her charms and loved the confidence boost it gave her.

But Kate wasn't like that. Kate had run from her, but she very firmly wouldn't be chased. She was different from anyone else she'd ever wanted, if only because she didn't immediately seem to want Rana back. Maybe Rana's ego was bruised. It was possible she just couldn't stand the thought of anyone getting away once she'd pursued them, and that was the basis of her attraction to Kate.

There was a certain comfort to the thought, truth be told. It fit well into how Rana saw herself at times - manipulative, egotistical. Always on the hunt for the next kill. Maneater. Or in this case, womaneater. That's what her friends called her. Apt, right? She chewed people up and spit them out again when she was done, or at least that's what people told her. Mostly other women.

Deep down, it didn't even really seem that bad to Rana. She just thought she knew how people - specifically, men - worked. It wasn't just the low cut top and the extra lipstick type stuff either; she liked to make the other person feel desirable too. She went to the men that she knew would respond well: a little on the insecure side, typically not used to having anyone pay attention to them. They'd always be very attentive back in the short time they spent together, and when she was done she'd move onto the next one.

Was it manipulative to pick her targets so carefully, and plan out her seduction in advance? She was always upfront about not wanting anything long-term, and the guys she dated generally didn't complain. Everyone got what they wanted in the end. Still, she'd certainly been made to feel guilty enough for it in the past, so shame was the predominant emotion she felt.

Rana had almost hoped that it _was_ about her ego or the chase with Kate because the reality was so much worse: that she'd truly fallen for her and willingly opened herself up to heartbreak, potentially for nothing. Yet when Kate started returning Rana's feelings, her worst fears were realised because the attraction was _still there._ She'd opened up to Kate fully about her situation and the feelings were _still there._  She had Kate in the palm of her hand, so easily disposed of - but she didn't want to. The love was _still there_ and it was clearly not going to leave.

So it was not about the chase, then.

Her next alternative was to analyse Kate herself, trying to think about what qualities she found attractive and what that might say about Rana. Kate was different to everyone else. She wouldn't be manipulated. She was headstrong and stubborn and wouldn't be told what to do, let alone coerced into it. She had principles (or she used to, some of them were lost among Rana's sheets). Her boundaries were distinct and fiercely guarded. She hated lying with a passion and that extended to lies of omission or white lies.

This final part initially confused Rana, who was used to smoothing things over with the occasional white lie just to avoid trouble, but Kate hated that. Nor was Rana used to having to spell out what she wanted in order to get it.

At first she was hurt, thinking it evidence that Kate didn't care much for her feelings. With Zeedan it was almost expected of her to never be upfront, and instead drop enough hints that he'd eventually pick up on what she really wanted. Kate couldn't read her silence… Or perhaps more accurately, refused to, forcing Rana to actually assert what she wanted out loud for the first time.

‘I'm not a mindreader,’ Kate had said once in frustration, after yet another sulky argument with Rana. ‘I can do stuff differently if you want me to, but excuse me if I don't automatically know what you're thinking all the time. I can't always predict your needs.’

Rana typically had her arms crossed during one of these spats, her jaw set. ‘I don't expect you to read my mind,’ she'd snap back. ‘But surely some things are obvious. You've not texted me all day, and you don't think I'd be upset?’

Kate shrugged infuriating her more. ‘Obvious to _you,_  maybe, but we're different people. You leave the cupboard doors open all the time, and you know that pisses me off because I always end up headbutting it when I'm making a cuppa.’

‘You tell me off for that all the time.’

At this, Kate raised an eyebrow. ‘And yet you still do it despite me asking you outright to be more careful. But _you don't think I'd be upset?'_

She had a point there and Rana hated it. She'd sulked, until she realised Kate was pointedly ignoring it. After that she made more of an effort to speak her mind. At first even she was honest to the point of exaggeration to prove a point and have Kate admit her way was better - but in the end she was the one that ended up learning.

Over time she gradually came to understand why Kate insisted she verbalise her concerns instead of bottling them up. She became relieved, because it meant she usually knew where she stood with Kate. No more guessing where the lines were anymore or having to read someone's mind. No more holding her own feelings back out of fear of backlash. Even if she knew Zeedan wouldn't have responded badly, the urge to hide her true feelings away was so well ingrained from childhood that she couldn't stop.

Until Kate.

But it took a long time to get to that point, and until she got there Rana _detested_ this trait in her girlfriend. Not for any useful reason, deep down, but purely because it was so different from what she'd always known. Kate wanted her to be better, to do better, and she couldn't manage that until she got over the sting of not being enough as she was. Until she realised it didn't mean Kate loved her any less to recognise her issues and want her to work on them. In fact it meant she loved her more, and refused to put her up on a pedestal she'd later fall from, like with her family.

‘You're not perfect, babe,’ Kate told her once, but started giggling before she could finish the sentence because Rana's face was too priceless.

‘What kind of statement is that to make to your girlfriend?’ Rana jabbed her in the chest with her index finger. Kate had grabbed it and kissed it.

‘I wasn't finished, you numpty,’ she said. 'I was _going_ to say that I wouldn't want you to be. Because this way I get to see you learn and change, and to be honest, that's a beautiful thing.’

That was probably one of the more weirdly romantic things that Kate had said, and that was saying something. She'd gotten a few kisses for that.

Still, that initial hatred was a typical pattern that she'd engaged in since they'd first started the affair. Rana was always looking for some fatal flaw in Kate to justify her attraction, and help her find distance from it. That way she could blame it on Rana's own messed up mind: seeking drama, perhaps? Trying to punish herself or sabotage her relationship with Zeedan by throwing herself into something toxic?

But Kate, for all her stubbornness and occasional penchant for having a temper when stressed… Was a veritable sweetheart. She wrote Rana love notes and sent cute little texts throughout the day about random things that were happening to her (when she remembered). Or she'd come home with some of the leftover desserts she'd sneaked out of the Bistro when Michelle wasn't looking. She'd leave them in the fridge with a little note with a heart on it so Rana would find it while ransacking the fridge at the wee hours of the morning.

It didn't seem particularly toxic.

More than that, however; she cared, but in a different way than Rana was used to. She didn't fuss over her when she was upset, or continually suggest solutions for problems that didn't need solving. There wasn't a big dramatic display when Rana was upset about something small. At most she might get a fond smile and the offer of some tea, or a teasing question about if she was on her period.

(She was, but _not the point_ , Kate Connor)

At first Rana called her “distant” or “hands off”. As with the boundary setting, at first she thought it was a sign Kate didn't care. And again Rana felt a wretched glee at the thought: here was something to spoil her attraction to and turn her away from this relationship, finally.

But again, Kate changed her mind over time. She realised that Kate listened to Rana's issues and rants about work or Zeedan with a keenness that was almost unnerving. Rana wasn't used to being listened to. She also wasn't used to Kate's gentle but pointed comments, intended to get Rana to realise she could fix her _own_ problems and comfort herself.

She knew she was a competent nurse, yes; she was a damn good shopper, and a good cook (or was, under Zeedan’s supervision).But was she capable of dealing with her own feelings of self doubt? Or capable of being honest with her parents about being in love with a woman? Could she deal with her day to day stresses and anxiety about work without needing something or someone to make it better?

Rana wasn't used to agency, or anyone thinking she was capable of anything. Certainly not herself.

Until Kate.

So Rana quickly learned that her feelings for Kate did not stem from the drama, or self sabotage by getting into a toxic situation. Because there was none. And that led Rana to a horrifying realisation. She was _happy._

Happy was terrifying. Happy was panic inducing. She would have rather believed that she and Kate were doomed, than to accept she had everything she wanted already. Acknowledging that also meant acknowledging that it could be taken away from her at any point. Despite her newfound trust in her own skills, she still worried she wouldn't be able to handle losing Kate for any reason.

‘You'd be fine,’ Kate insisted. ‘I mean, I'm not going anywhere. But you would be.’

Rana wasn't so sure.

‘ _Trust_ me.’ She linked their fingers together. ‘At least do that if you can't trust yourself.’

Strange to believe that she somehow simultaneously did and did not trust Kate. She trusted her to get groceries, to be funny and cute, to care about her, to be honest with Rana.

Did she trust Kate not to leave her like everyone else had? Nope.

Not yet.

Finally, in desperation, Rana had tried to convince herself that being in a relationship with Kate was affecting her own principles. How could she be with someone that tore up her own sense of values so strongly? She thought she knew who she was before Kate. However falling for her and being willing to cheat just to get a taste destroyed her entire sense of identity.

This was the most convincing evidence that Kate was no good for her in the long run, but it was hard to remember that with Kate's tongue in her mouth and her fingers grasping at her back. It was hard to remember supposed values like marriage and honesty when Kate made her feel more like herself in a few hours than she had in her entire life to that point. And maybe that was the point. It was hard to remember, because she didn't want to.

One of the other issues was how she completely fell to pieces around Kate. The confidence she normally felt when dating or fooling around, born from years of growing comfortable with the same pattern? Gone.

Kate did not fit any kind of experience Rana had had before. Instead she spent much of her time feeling an absolute fool whenever the other woman was around. It bled into every nervous motion she made in conversation, indistinguishable from excitement about simply being close to her. She was always losing her words, losing her mind over the tiniest touches, and blushing like a teenager. She hadn't blushed because of someone for years. Years!

How could she be with someone that made her feel so vulnerable, all of the time? Getting hurt seemed inevitable, yet she couldn't seem to stop. Every new story she told or kiss she shared felt like she was cracking open her ribs further, practically inviting Kate to stab her directly in the heart. It was addicting but filled her with a dizzying terror.

Against her judgment and despite her mind telling her not to, she could not stop herself opening up and baring her soul to Kate in a way she never had before. She'd known for a while that she was in love with Kate, but accepting that was different from accepting a _relationship_ with Kate, or accepting that for once in her life she actually wanted something.

‘You worry too much,’ Kate told her sleepily, nose half buried into Rana's collarbone and partway to sleep already. Some of this had been whispered at 2 A.M., the taste of wine still creeping beneath the hastily applied mint toothpaste. ‘Tell your brain to quiet down and have a rest for God's sake.’

‘Wish I could.’

Kate was silent for a bit. Rana wondered if she'd drifted back to sleep. But then she took a long breath in and released it slowly, pulling Rana close to her.

‘You're fine,’ she said eventually, running her thumb over the inner crease of Rana's hip. ‘You'll manage this. You know that right?’

A few months ago that would have seemed like a bland statement that said nothing and hardly even offered much comfort. It was the sort of thing Zeedan would have said just to get her to shut up and let him sleep for once.

But now Rana knew that Kate actually meant it. She knew reassurances about the relationship lasting or about Kate not hurting her would just ring hollow - she'd tried and it just led her to need more to feed those lingering insecurities.

But regardless of what happened, she did truly believe Rana could manage. She knew Rana could handle being vulnerable with Kate and accept how it made her want to run and hide.

Slowly Rana was beginning to believe it too, something she never thought she'd be capable of.

Until Kate.

‘Yeah… I know.’


End file.
